for crying out loud, i'm sick and tired of myself!

nothing seems to be going right for me these past few weeks/months as the bumbling 2nd year idiot savant. my academics have all gone berserk, i couldn't catch up with my batchmates on lessons, i screw up too easily on trivial things that everything else gets affected and all goes up in smoke. i'm lagging terribly behind... must it be because I'M TOO COMPLACENT? to define:

com'pla'cen'cy (n.) not giving a damn. feeling too at ease.
i hate to admit but i'm still procrastinating, only worse. last year it wasn't that bad when i was in the midday class. now that i'm up in the morning, time seem to stretch so long i'd take my time, and get awfully languid by the time i'd do my homework. in some days i'd get a little more diligent but the test results would somewhat still be the same old ****.

concerning this matter, i doubt my capacity being an accountancy student more often than not. can i even get past this semester without failing (or getting the coveted 2.5 & above GWA)? maybe i can. but the tougher challenge will be if i would be able to graduate in this college without incurring any deficiencies.. sometimes i think, maybe if i were back at commerce i probably wouldn't feel like this because the expectation of students excelling would (at least) be less threatening than with our lovable college.

ah, expectations. don't even get me started with that.

i even wonder "why the hell am i here? did i actually pass the QE or was it just sheer luck?" because i'm too dumb to even be in a 'top-tier' section (as they would like to think) and i'm too dumb to be here ... i'm fucking falling off the cliff!

our prof (in response to my rambling thoughts) gave us some kind of a pep talk just after the prelim exams, about moving on and improving. she said (to paraphrase) that it was already a big first step when we were able to get into this college (passing the QEs), that it showed we had more potential than others... so being one, we should enhance this potential to become the best. everybody is your competition. NEVER BE COMPLACENT, DON'T SETTLE FOR MEDIOCRITY. and some more things about expectations... ;P

and to extract wisdom from my friend des (with regards to 'trying to cram these crazy lessons into your head'): "THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE! THINK WORK! THINK... MONEY!" $$$$$!!! (thanks lovely!)

finding redemption, if there's any left...

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