to begin, i've been experiencing real and imagined nightmares lately.


... the real, involving the languishing state of my life:
(to paraphrase a recent conversation with Des)
Me: so, how much have i changed since?
Des: you look like a mental patient strapped on a straitjacket. where's herschel and what have you done to her?!?!?


somewhere in the middle of our so-called typhoon-induced 'vacation' (which i wouldn't call that, because we were in the middle of prelims!), i managed to get sick with high fever, and i initially thought it was a dengue attack due to a particularly nasty insect bite i had the other day. (or may because i was 'studying' too much? lol). couple that with several gastro-intestinal pains i had last week, leaving me physiologically battered.


... the imagined meanwhile, involving vampires and bleeding organs harboring my sweet sleep. there were other episodes that only left a hollow dread after waking, not even remembering what the fuss was about. i haven't had nightmares as long as i can remember, so i found all these bothersome.


it's crazy enough when reality gets into a bind with the fanciful realms that i couldn't even choose what's nicer: live in disaster or dream in torment. this could be a sign i'm reaching new heights of depression -- but then i don't think i'm that desperate. i'm just frustrated with the way things are, about myself, right now.


I AM GOING TO FIX THIS.


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enough of the personal turmoil (i know i'm weighing y'all down), let's escape!


i watched The Bourne Ultimatum last Sunday and it was grrrreat! attesting to that declaration, we stayed inside for nearly 5 hours and we wanted MORE! just the right amount of action and intensity. easily one of the best movies i've seen this year. (somewhere up there would be Ratatouille, and... i forgot. maybe this one.) ... i realized i have a liking for Matt Damon movies. i most especially liked The Talented Mr. Ripley, and also The Departed. and why the hell do i sympathize with tormented characters? maybe Matt's better playing that. he's eons better than Ben A., in more ways than one (where's that guy, anyway?).


~~ a belated happy 20th to lovely! ~~

Libellés : life, movies

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i made a resolution at the start of this week to clean up my act once and for all. i'm taking a hiatus from all blogging and net-related duties (apparently this hasn't clearly worked -- it's a holiday today, give me a break! -- but i digress), and minimizing my 'leisure' activities (TV, iPod, stuff) for the next three weeks. i'm even putting off that ubiquitous Deathly Hallows for an excruciating while just so i can focus on my academics.


which leads to: why the buck do we have to study so damn hard, when our job doesn't require that much? i can envision myself crouching in an office cubicle and banging on spreadsheets, that's all. no back-breaking memorization of clauses and articles, no algebraic equations to squish my mind, no power reading of accounting technicalities to save my neck, no computer programming to dementor-ize me. oh well. the eternal scholar.


third year is cracking me up amazingly at an early point. i've never felt *hopeless* in the span of my whole college life. time and again, i find myself asking, "WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?"


what is it that i really want? is it to prove to myself i can do this? that i can be a CPA and rule the world? or am i just deluded? whatever the case, i'm going to stick it out. there's no other way.


if at the end of this month things finally work out, then i'll be proud of myself. wait and see.


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final word about the Accountancy Journal: my friend told me four days back that *apparently* i scored highest in the qualifying exams. but still, i've made up my mind and that's that... my bad for not 'materializing' at the interview (which happened 2 weeks ago). i'm sad to let them down. i know my limitations. :( i just feel gratified that i've proven to myself i still have some journalist cred. the drama.


shameless plug: please be a dear and read my new essay, Dreamchasing. i also have a couple of contest entries up my sleeve, although i haven't completed them as of late. i need inspiration, quick!

Libellés : college, writing

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