i swear, the title isn't another lame attempt to attract attention (though you really should obey me!). or profanity (something close to that, but nah..), or the days of the week. it's about the most disturbing 'things' that we females aptly call MEN. or BOYS. or RATS.

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Welcome to Ellie's "WTF" Theory About The Opposite Sex

We ladies have always wondered, wished, and fantasized who's Our Perfect Guy... admit it or not, we've got our stash of "The Ideal Man" lists, complete with hair color, body weight and whether he's got a complete set of teeth (and visas?!). In conversations that concern guys, everyone just gets so lively and idealistic. We swoon at the cute guys we see on movies, lusted (ahem) after the mysterious gentlemen we read on paperbacks, debate over which rock band frontman is hotter/sexier... so on, so forth. We so hoped we'll get caught in a long-winding, sweet romance with the Most Eligible Bachelor. We closed our eyes and prayed for that legendary Knight in Shining Armor to come sweep us off our feet.

...but so far, NOTHING has happened.

Who are we to blame?

Blame it instead on GLOSS. What we're dreaming is too fictional. I swear, if we go on and on with this, truly we'll grow old and tired and still nothing comes out. There is NO SUCH THING as "Single & Perfect Man".

Because there are only THREE KINDS OF MEN in the universe:

the "Wimps"

the "Takens"

the "F*! How could you?!!?!??!?"s

...so pardon me. to elaborate:

1) the "Wimps"
single as they are, it's because they better off that way. they're not "boyfriend material" and most certainly they're not "what you'd want to take home to momma." they're intolerable. either they don't have the backbone, or the personality, or the *****. they do not balance the gender equation because they're lamer than artsy-fartsiest of women (who says we're the weaker sex?, if they happen to pass by.) they're the bad faggots, your resident egotists, extreme geeks, the jerks, plain Evil People you know.

and the sub-type... to put in a milder way -- just the "boy friend" (please notice the gap). you love spending time with him, but please, BoyFriend's just 'not my type'. not to hurt him, but there IS a limit on the grounds of our friendship - don't ask, don't tell. the reason? I LIKE YOU FOR BEING YOU - only! (emphasis on "Like") ... there's a huge difference between Boyfriends and BoyFriends (we girls know that!), but it seems that a majority of the male population is just too blind to see the fine line. poor brats.

2) the "Takens"
ever wonder why some other (unworthy) lady always beat you to the Hunk? that your picturesque wedding fantasy turns all hellish when you see your Man pursuing some other damsel (worse, them riding in a golden carriage)? that your level of self-worth dips a little low when you walk alone in a crowdful of couples? well, we're just meant for that. compare the Man to a Toilet Cubicle: he's Occupied, or simply Out of Order. better luck next time.

BUT WHY DOES IT HAPPEN ALL THE TIME???

...one of the many unanswered questions of the universe, my dear.

3) The "F*! How could you?!!?!??!?"s
aptly put, "Why are you GAY???!?!?!?!" or gay-like... or effeminate... or childish!?

"You could've been SOMEBODY... you could've been MINE!"... enough elaboration.

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there. pretend you didn't read anything... i'm just my usual man-bitching self. for people who find it very relevant, let me know! ;-)

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